Compared to the rest of the more all-natural, holistic-living world, I was late to join the "#ohmygoodnesswholefoodsisthebestthingever" train. But when the granola gods saw fit to install one less than a mile from my office, I hopped on that train pretty quickly. Even if I was hopping on the caboose.
Almost everything about Whole Foods is good. The pros: tasty food. Close to work. Organic. Concerned about animal welfare. The cons: relatively expensive. The people who make tacos.
Let me elaborate a bit. The tacos are delicious, but I think the people on the line have never made tacos even once in their lives. I put forth this statement based on not one experience, but multiple, so you can be fully assured that it's an indisputable fact.
I hereby present you with the step by step guide that I presume WF team members use to instruct themselves on how to make tacos:
- Ask the customer if she wants soft or crunchy tacos.
- If crunchy tacos are desired, look puzzled, and then check for shells under counter.
- Make sure that only one crunchy taco shell is present.
- Go search every aisle in the store for 10 minutes to find a new box of taco shells. Make sure to only grab one box so that you'll be equally prepared for the next time a customer wants the same thing.
- Attempt to open the taco shell box and interior plastic wrapping with food gloves on for a full minute before using your knife.
- Ask how many tacos the customer desires.
- Take another full minute to remove the shells from the recently opened plastic wrapping.
- Ask the customer what kind of meat is desired.
- Proceed to stuff the taco shell with as much meat as will fit to make sure that there is absolutely no room for other toppings.
- Look extremely confused when the customer asks for more toppings.
- Attempt to force cheese and salsa to stay on top of stuffed taco for at least two minutes.
- Inform the customer that you don't have any lettuce in either the taco line or the sandwich line, and ask if she wants to substitute spinach or arugula.
- Attempt to put the lid on the to-go box by tipping the tacos on their sides. Carefully spill as many of the toppings as possible.
- Wish the customer a nice day, just to make her feel like the 20-minute wait for her three tacos was worth it while her husband stands by with his now-cold lunch.
So there you have it: how to make tacos according to Whole Foods in Lynnfield. Definitely pick some up next time you have a spare hour!