Tacos: a Guide

Compared to the rest of the more all-natural, holistic-living world, I was late to join the "#ohmygoodnesswholefoodsisthebestthingever" train. But when the granola gods saw fit to install one less than a mile from my office, I hopped on that train pretty quickly. Even if I was hopping on the caboose.

Almost everything about Whole Foods is good. The pros: tasty food. Close to work. Organic. Concerned about animal welfare. The cons: relatively expensive. The people who make tacos.

Let me elaborate a bit. The tacos are delicious, but I think the people on the line have never made tacos even once in their lives. I put forth this statement based on not one experience, but multiple, so you can be fully assured that it's an indisputable fact.

 Note the lack of lettuce.

Note the lack of lettuce.

I hereby present you with the step by step guide that I presume WF team members use to instruct themselves on how to make tacos:

  1. Ask the customer if she wants soft or crunchy tacos.
  2. If crunchy tacos are desired, look puzzled, and then check for shells under counter.
  3. Make sure that only one crunchy taco shell is present.
  4. Go search every aisle in the store for 10 minutes to find a new box of taco shells. Make sure to only grab one box so that you'll be equally prepared for the next time a customer wants the same thing.
  5. Attempt to open the taco shell box and interior plastic wrapping with food gloves on for a full minute before using your knife.
  6. Ask how many tacos the customer desires.
  7. Take another full minute to remove the shells from the recently opened plastic wrapping.
  8. Ask the customer what kind of meat is desired.
  9. Proceed to stuff the taco shell with as much meat as will fit to make sure that there is absolutely no room for other toppings.
  10. Look extremely confused when the customer asks for more toppings.
  11. Attempt to force cheese and salsa to stay on top of stuffed taco for at least two minutes.
  12. Inform the customer that you don't have any lettuce in either the taco line or the sandwich line, and ask if she wants to substitute spinach or arugula.
  13. Attempt to put the lid on the to-go box by tipping the tacos on their sides. Carefully spill as many of the toppings as possible.
  14. Wish the customer a nice day, just to make her feel like the 20-minute wait for her three tacos was worth it while her husband stands by with his now-cold lunch.

So there you have it: how to make tacos according to Whole Foods in Lynnfield. Definitely pick some up next time you have a spare hour!

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